We’re sitting around waiting for the game to come on. Almost time for supper. Not sure what we’ll have. Toys are all over the floor. She gets out another without picking up the others first. That’s what four year olds do.
In our sweats and pajama bottoms, we wait for the Super Bowl to come on – or at least two of us are waiting. The black clock on the wall shows that some kind of meal should be being served, but not sure what will be fixed, or by whom. Maybe hot dogs. The living room floor is cluttered with dolls, puzzles, tea sets, and a crazy Zhu Zhu pet running around. The girl with light brown hair has no concept of one toy at a time. She’s just a normal, healthy child having fun.
We’re dancing around the room. He has his Steelers game shirt on, she’s wearing her new black leather pants and two inch heals, and I‘m wearing my now-too-small mother-of-the-bride dress from ten years ago. The sixty -inch television is set to broadcast the World Series. The grandfather clock that sits in the foyer strikes seven o’clock. It’s time to eat. We’re ready for the chef to serve a meal. Smells like roasted chicken, twice-baked potatoes, green bean salad, and fresh yeast rolls with cinnamon butter. The floor of the sitting room looks like Toys R Us emptied it’s stock there. The blonde headed boy sits and cries because there are too many toys for a twelve year old to get a handle on. He should be happy, but he’s not. He just sits there.
Whew, reta, you lose me here completely. I don't know who's who or when's when or what's what.
ReplyDeleteAre you the four year old, the girl with light brown hair? Then who's the blond boy?
Nope, sorry, try a rewrite on this.
I think a single incident remembered is going to work better than a cascade of memories over time if that's what you're aiming for here, but I might be wrong there--several memories revolving around a single person might work.
I just re-read this and I owe you an apology. I must have been having a bad brain cramp when I read it the first time...because I see now why it works as week four, how it sets up and operates. I have no idea why I was out to lunch on 2/10.
ReplyDeleteI might have just read another student's piece that didn't work and was still in that mode. But I think I made you rewrite for nothing, not that writing is ever a bad idea, but no student wants to hear: "you lose me here completely."